Why Conflict Freaks You Out and What to Do About It (Part One)
Updated: Jun 6, 2024
Are You Freaked Out?
Raise your hand, please, if you freak out about conflict. You might freeze up, stuff your feelings down, get flushed, back off, explode or just try to stick up for yourself and then mumble, “Nothing. Never mind.”
Actually, it’s normal to like harmony in your life. As a tribal people, we needed each other to survive, so we are wired to get along. Hats off to the people who are already comfortable with conflict, and to those who have the courage to be Boat Rockers when necessary. But going up against conflict in daily life can be scary.
What’s the big deal?
Here are possible reasons that conflict might freak you out:
Trauma reactions. Trauma might be causing a Fight, Flight, Freeze or Fawn reaction because of what is happening in the present. Conflict is a sure-fire way to push the trauma reaction button. This can happen when the Ghost of Christmas Past is invading the Ghost of Christmas present. If you feel like you are eight years old when you face conflict, or that you must be "nice" for fear of abandonment, you might be in the trauma category.
You might not have learned assertiveness skills. Assertiveness is a set of skills that can be learned. Assertiveness is knowing your boundaries, and what you think and how you feel. It is being able to say “no” and how self-advocate. Depending on how you were raised, you may not have gotten these skills. People in this category ask me, “What are the steps? How do I do it?” When I explain the actual steps, it clicks into place (assuming trauma reactions are not happening) and they get moving.
You might need to work on your conflict resolution skills. These are built upon assertiveness skills, and involve deep listening, understanding conflict styles and helping you to solve the problem. If you are ready to solve the problem but don’t know how to get there, you would fall in this category.
You might not be in a supportive environment. If you feel you are handling conflict well but are not getting anywhere, it could be the environment. Getting feedback from an honest friend, coach or therapist is useful. For example, one client was trying to set boundaries, but her partner was gaslighting her, making her feel crazy and stupid. It was hard for her to see it from the outside until I pointed it out. Some of my clients say that everyone in their lives is toxic. To be fair, this can sometimes be true, but sometimes we have a role to play, even if that role is only to stop participating.
When there’s conflict in my life, depending on the magnitude, I feel like a surgeon popping on gloves, bracing myself for some hard work, like, “OK, we’re going in!” However, after addressing trauma triggers, building assertiveness skills, and learning about conflict resolution in a healthy environment, we can get some traction.
But How?
I will go through the steps in the next blog — Part II.
Do you see yourself in any of the categories above? Would love for you to post a comment below.
(PS: Would you like some help getting traction on any of the above skills? You've come the right place! I am a trauma therapist and a certified coach and I have a whole program that teaches these exact tools. Check it out here.)
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I love questions and comments. I answer everything myself (my cats lay around like it's a resort or something). My email address is tara@conquerconflict.com

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