What the Eff? The Four F’s of Trauma (and DIY) - Part Two

(Warning: This post obviously contains potential triggers. This article is for information only and not a replacement for therapy.)

But Whyyyyyyy?????

“I’ve been in therapy forever, but I still got triggered. Whyyyyyyyy???? Do I have to restart my sessions?  Won’t I ever be healthy? When will this ever go away?”

Um, never. Trauma will never totally “go away.” That doesn’t look good in a brochure, so we don’t put that out there. (WAIT! Keep reading!)

Trauma is like having a lot of boxes in your closet. Your brain put them all in there for a good reason (“compartmentalization,” a word that therapists LOVE!). We want to fling the trauma boxes open and move on with our lives (“integration,” another therapist fav word).

However, you didn’t know there was a box way back on the shelf that you couldn’t reach. Yay for you! It popped open when your kids became teenagers, or when you got laid off, or when you gained 20 pounds during menopause. (I lied, it was 30 pounds. Ugh.)

A Box Falls Off the Shelf

I found such a box recently. I have had so much therapy that I go into my metaphorical closet and dance around in all the empty space. Then — damn. A box out of nowhere!

I started taking a martial arts class, because, you know, the need to punch things. That’s a whole different blog. 

We often work through fighting combinations in partners while the other person holds the pads. I’ve done all the kicks and punches at my belt level (orange — bad-ass beginner, thank you very much). One day when the Sensei added a push kick to the combo, which I never did before, everything fell apart. (See this blog for an explanation of trauma reactions.)

There was something about that push kick. It felt like a key going into a long forgotten door. The first part of the combo with my partner dropped away. The whole situation felt surreal. I dropped my gloves, watching for the next kick (my partner was still miming punches, not hitting me).

I suddenly felt nauseous. I wanted to cry. The room felt more crowded and louder. I was breathing hard and I was sweating. I was looking at the doors and thinking, “I have to get out of here!” (Yep — “Flight Reaction.”)

Fortunately, my partner was the lovely Miss Heather, the co-owner of the studio and an instructor. At first she was confused by my strong reaction. She thought it was a communication issue and tried to break down the combo more clearly. Being astute, she said, “You aren’t scared, you are terrified.” We kept going. 

I felt trapped. When I was supposed to be holding the mitts up for her, I started punching her instead. I couldn’t stop myself. I said the F-word. She said, “I don’t know how to tell you this, but you are being triggered.” (“Fight Reaction,” anyone?)

Something About That Kick...

I finished class in sort of a haze and made it home. Then, I wrote in my journal. (I normally would then go for a walk and listen to calming music, but it was late.) I did some art and listened to music, took a bath, stretched and went to bed.

Yesterday, I saw a guy at the martial arts studio gently and playfully pushing kicking his son, who would laugh and run back to his dad. I realized I had been watching them, frozen to the spot. Something about that kick….

It’s frustrating that after all that work I’ve done, there are still trauma boxes in my metaphorical closet. The good news is that I know I can unpack them safely when they pop out.

The boxes are small now. It might be bumpy few hours and not a rough few months, like it used to be. I have the tools to not spiral.

The DIY for the Four Effs is next week — Check it out!

[If you want a list of ways to manage trauma triggers and flashbacks NOW -- download it HERE]

PS -- If your trauma boxes are bumping up against your current day living, I have can help! I created a curriculum for people who want to learn to manage conflict. Check it out here.

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