I Messed Up Last Night
Updated: Oct 2
Losin' It
Last night, I got the chance to practice my conflict resolution skills, only I blew it.
I was talking on the phone with a friend who kept interrupting me and then made the exact point I was making, as if it were his idea.
I just stood there (I was out walking), stunned, and finally told him, “I just said that.”
I was tired and didn't want to deal with the issue right then, even though I know how to communicate. Not in the mood to unpack stuff. Groan. I am sure my friend would have listened and tried to change his behavior.
Rewind:
If I could rewind the situation, I would have:
1.Interrupt him interrupting me. ("Hey, excuse me. You interrupted me there. Could I finish, please?") I wouldn't be mean or harsh. Interrupting is SO commonplace these days.
It is rare to have someone actually let you finish. If someone lets you finish and pauses at the end before jumping in, befriend that person for life.
2. Talk about what is happening between us that is bothering me. ("So, that is the third time you've interrupted me to finish my sentence / say what I am about to say / tell me my own idea." Whatever. "What do you think is happening here?").
Truly listen to his answer without defensiveness or judgement. He might not know he is doing it. He might be processing out loud. Who knows?
3. If he uses this part to point out what I am doing wrong, ("Well, you interrupt me all the time!"), bring him back to the topic. ("Glad you brought that up. Let's talk about the first thing first, solve that, and then circle back to this.")
4 Ask how together we can find a way forward. ("OK, you didn't realize you were interrupting and telling me my own ideas. I feel frustrated when that happens. [Notice the "I" language?] What should we do if that happens again?") Make a plan for what to do if it happens again.
5. Ask if he has any concerns or thoughts, for example, maybe I was talking too much, which is why he has to interrupt. Listen without defensiveness.
6. Ask if there's anything else? Air is cleared? If there is a lot more, you can deal with it now, or, it might need to be tabled for later.
7. Most important step: Freaking let it go!!! Put it to bed! Drop it. Don't throw it in the other person's face. It is DONE.
Communication is complex, much more than just listening. Want simple ideas to get even better than your rockstar self? Click here to Level Up your communication skills.
This kind of unpacking is a lot of work, even when the person is kind, friendly and on your side. But, it is soooooo worth it.
Excuse me, I have a phone call to make.
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I love questions and comments. I answer everything myself (my cats lay around like it's a resort or something). My email address is tara@conquerconflict.com
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